February 1,2022
What a shit way to start the fucking month, honestly I am so pissed writing this, I am beginning to think I put myself in these situations, okay so for context as to my current rage, I met up with David today and from the moment I was about to leave my house it was already feeling off, first my car refused to start and I decided to take an uber instead…. I get to his house and I am stupidly confused, it is sort of like a face me I face you apartment building, to be honest? It was so shabby looking, they didn’t even have a gate. This was not the kind off apartment one does Netflix and chill in so I am very lost because on his profile online he put his full CV and it was quite attracting, I mean he basically stated that he co-owned a tech start up, you should have seen the way he arranged the roles he supposedly had career wiseon that profile….so if he truly had achieved that why is he living in an apartment complex where I have counted at least 7 different local chickens strutting around like they owned the place, in no universe was this my scene.
In all honesty I should have left there and then but what did I do? I made my way to his own apartment in the building and proceeded to knock anyways because at this point I was curious, so I take off my footwear because there is a “Remove shoes” sign written on a piece of paper and cello-taped to the door, God I am basically in the ghetto, I step into his house and it’s the bedroom I step into first, yup, the bedroom….not a living room a bed room, as in there was no living room because it is a one bedroom apartment with kitchen, I remember thinking to myself ‘chai Ada you have suffered…the Tech bro you came to see is just a fraud and not even the yahoo yahoo type’ it’s not like I am a classist person or you know mocking his state but why did he have to lie? Using dishonesty to try and sleep with me was such a red flag, I remember looking at the bed on the floor and getting Goosebumps….this is the bed we were supposed to use to Netflix and chill? It was so small, I don’t even think two people can have any kind of sex on that bed, sex that would make you toss and turn and move….the only kind of sex that can happen on that bed is missionary and that was not going to fly with me.
The craziest part of it all was when I walked in and took a look around he was watching me take it all in, granted he was good looking and his pictures were real but everything else was a lie and he was aware I was disappointed, because do you know what this fraud said? He goes “if you want to leave its fine but if you stay I will make it worth your while” then he winks, as if this is not the first time he would be faced with an appalled visitor, I instantly want to die of cringe, I mouth a NO thank you and turn to leave, I exit and guess what? My shoes are missing, my freaking shoes are missing and I cannot find them where I left them on the doormat just outside the door, apparently according to David I am not supposed to leave my fancy shoes outside because the apartment building is filled with thieves, he literally put a sign up so I am fucking confused here, he also refused to give/lend me any footwear to go back home because I didn’t sleep with him and made him and I quote “prepare for me only to disappoint” so I went back home barefoot, the uber driver kept stealing side way glances the ride back home and to be honest I didn’t blame him, I looked quite stupid.
What a way to start the month huh? and to top my anger off I discover on the ride back home that the pathetic loser proceeded to block me on the dating app, I wanted to be the one to do that and he beat me to it, chai to think I was really looking forward to someone new, now I am massively discouraged meeting any more people online….it’s been a long fucking day and I have work tomorrow I should go to bed now…earlier I deleted the dating app and unblocked Hakeem, the enemy I know is better than the angel I don’t know please.
February 5, 2022
I truly cannot explain to you why I did what I did today, I cannot also lie and say I feel guilty about it, matter of fact I am glad I did it… okay so for context, I am currently writing this while Hakeem is in my shower cleaning himself up and yes if you have not figured this out by now, we met up again…well actually I called him over but for a really good reason.
Okay So for Context to the context I sort of maybe Check Hauwa’s Facebook page from time to time, I just found myself doing so ever since I saw her last, its entertaining to see who is now In my previous shoes, who now has the life I could have had, so I check her page sometimes just to watch…. I did so this morning on my way to work and guess what? Guess what she posts? A small duffel bag on what seems like a hospital bed with the caption “Alhamdulillah my little one is almost here” for some reason this ruined my whole mood so much, I was restless at work checking and refreshing her feed every fucking minute, she was about to bear a child for the man I loved and that meant I would have to share Hakeem with two people now, her and that baby, I was not happy about that.
So I impulsively call Hakeem crying, I tell him I am having a breakdown mentally and I want to attempt self-harm,I admit that lying about something as serious as that isn’t right but to be fair I really might have impulsively hurt myself because I was going insane, I was going crazy at the thought of that child being born any minute from now, so I tell him I am getting off work and heading home to kill myself, of course he panics, I spent 2 years of my life with that man of fucking course he panics and I eventually only calm down when he says “I will come check on you briefly” so I leave work and head home and prepare myself to be vulnerable, Hakeem eventually comes and ‘takes care’ of me, he comes withfood and once he gets here he’s giving me a pep talk on how I should get myself together, he is angry but concerned, he also keeps checking his phone every second, I am assuming this has something to do with his pregnant lady in the hospital so I decided it was time to step it up.
I move to Hakeem and fake ignorance asking him why he keeps checking his phone, he hesitates for a few seconds anticipating my reaction especially the ‘state’ I am in then he tells me he has a work meeting, I smile at him, my loving man, he was being so considerate of my mental health so he avoids telling me the truth, I kiss him and embrace him, he responds instantly and begins to kiss me back but then he stops
And takes a step back
“Ada I have to tell you something” he says scratching his heard all while looking nervous, I stay quiet
“Hauwa and I are getting married next month” Silence
“Did you hear what I said? Hauwa and I are…” I cut him off at this point
“What is the rush? You were never in such a hurry to marry me, why is it different with her?” but I already knew the answer, I already knew it was because she was about to give him a child, his parents are probably a contributing factor too
“You already know why Ada and that brings me to the next news….we can’t keep seeing each other, I need to focus on my new family, I need to do the right thing”
He spits out and I internally am losing my cool, I am pissed because he is about to abandon me again but I know if I act out I would lose this game I am playing so I shrug
“Fine then let today be the last day we meet, let it be the last day we cross paths” I say to him and I swear he almost looks surprised that I easily agree
“But at least let us be together one last time Hakeem I mean you’re already here and this could be an amicable parting gift for us” I push further and he stays quiet, almost like he agrees to it, so I move towards him and kiss him again and again…and again till he gives him and takes the lead, we are tongue deep in each other, he is lost in me, very lost but I want uninterrupted time with him so I break away from him
“I’m so thirsty can you help me get water from the kitchen?” I ask him and he grunts before exiting the room, I wait till he is out of the room and till I can hear his footsteps go down the stairs before I make a grab for his phone on the bedside table and I switch it off, now he’s unavailable and only I have access to him at this moment, good.
So basically my day got better from there, we made love like old times and time slipped away, by the time we were both satisfied and free of our urges it was already evening, Hauwa robbed me of him and now I like to think I have robbed her of his presence during the child’s birth, what is that saying? Ojoro cancel Ojoro……right now he was taking a shower and preparing to leave so I switch his phone back on like it was never turned off in the first place, when he is leaving I will kiss him goodbye and text him when he is in his car, I will text him to at least let me know if it’s a boy or girl not that I care anyways, it’s been a very productive day indeed!
February 7 ,2022
So I find out via Hauwa’s Facebook that It’s a boy, she gave him a boy for his first child of course, of fucking course the great and perfect Hauwa bears a male child and only solidifies the approval from Hakeem’s parents even more, I am betting a thousand dollars that they are so excited about this, I won’t be surprised if they move the stupid wedding to this month….I feel robbed of everything I could have been, a good wife and a good mother, Today is one of those days where everything is bleak and sad, I feel empty and alone, I am tired and I want this to stop, I want to stop feeling this ache for Hakeem, I want to move on but I can’t, I am trying so hard but for some reason I seem to be STUCK.
February 11, 2022
I definitely hate this month because everyday I am reminded that it is the season of Love, I am reminded with billboards on my way to work, with announcements and advertisements on social media, with chattering from my co workers, I am constantly being reminded that Valentines day is around the corner, everyone is excited for the season of ‘Love’ and I am just here, fighting the urge not to text Hakeem……
In other news I decided to summon the courage and contact Aisosa today, she used to be my really good friend but then we stopped speaking early last year…. well I might have ghosted her a bit…..okay maybe a lot, but in my defence I got too swept up in the entity that is Hakeem, I started to spend less time with my actual friends and more time with him until I eventually ended up losing touch with them because of my poor communication, I feel ashamed that it has taken me being lonely and having nobody for me to realize I FUCKED UP, it is the first thing I say to Sosa on the phone when she picks, I just start to mumble about how sorry I am and how I fucked up, I tell her I miss her and I want to catch up soon if she wouldn’t mind, luckily for me Sosa is the sweetest and logical person I know, she expresses how long its been that we have spoke and how she is unhappy with me at the moment but would love to catch up over drinks so I excitedly ask what she’s doing Valentines day in hopes that she is free so that we can at least spend the day together over dinner or drinks at night, at least then I would not be lonely and alone, she tells me she is free for drinks at night and would love to catch up on that day….suddenly I am looking forward to the insufferable day that is Valentines.
February 15, 2022
Yesterday wasn’t so bad, I mean asides from the stupid Love shenanigans that was going on, I am happy to have reconnected with Sosa, I was nervous meeting up yesterday because I didn’t know how it was going to play out but bless her heart sosa related to me like old times, we caught up on everything and she listened in awe while I told her about Hakeem
“i was wondering why you even called, so it’s because Hakeem left you?” she had said yesterday after listening to me rant about Hakeem, I admit I was a little hurt by how she blurted that out but she was right so I went quiet
“i am really sorry for how I acted” I said to her meaning every bit of what I said
“the thing is you just shut me out of your life like there wasn’t a me and you before you and Hakeem, you never responded to any of my texts or returned any of my calls or even bothered to make an effort friendship wise” she responded then went on to explain how I hurt her, it was then it dawned on me that I really fucked up, how could I make a man my whole entire life and personality, even this journal I am writing if I should count how many times I have mentioned his name at least up to fifty times, how many times am I going to chide myself to snap out of this delusion, because that is what this is, I apologize to Sosa again and again until she smiles and pats my hand
“i missed you Ada’ she squeezes my hand warmly and smiles at me, I smile back as a sudden wave of long lost memories flashed through my head, I had missed her too.
“its okay Ada we all fuck up, it’s important to keep it moving and not repeat our wrongs” she was consoling me now, truly I was so glad i made that phone call to her earlier, we made plans to meet up again soon and she suggested setting me up with someone, I politely declined because I think I have to be single for a while, I am so used to being with someone that I think I have lost my sense of individuality, maybe right now a little isolation and celibacy would be good, yes, celibacy…..I should do that………I will do that.
FEBUARY 20, 2022
Well my celibacy journey lasted 5 days……………………..I feel like I have some explaining to do, okay sooooo I know I said I was going to be celibate but to be fair this was unplanned sex that just happened to you know……happen, I didn’t even realize when I began to take off my panties earlier today, it was like a spell came over me ha ha I’m joking that was definitely all me.
You are probably wondering who I slept with……well good news it’s not Hakeem so hallelujah to that, although he did reach out to me on valentines day….yup, shocking I know, but he had responded to my story with a “went on a date?” text, for context I had posted videos and pictures from me and Sosa’s outing, I posted the drinks we had, the meal we had, the surroundings of the lounge we went too, you know basic outing aesthetic shit, I didn’t post Sosa though because she hates pictures and also social media in general, so my guess is that Hakeem thought I went on a date with someone else, then he proceeds to text me like he has a right to know, he is texting me and asking me if I went on a date like he doesn’t have pampers to change, I simply ignored his text because I owe him no response….that is why when Sosa came over today I showed her his text and we laughed over it as we drank wine
“i don’t know why he is not blocked yet” Sosa said to me as she looked through our messages
“i have blocked and unblocked him so many times…it’s a back and forth vibe” I explained
“and that’s normal to you?” she says and I know she is about to lecture me on why I need to block him permanently
“you wouldn’t understand Sosa” I say as I grab the phone from her
“i understand clearly that you are obviously not ready to let go” she replies and truly this was what annoyed me about her,she was always the voice of reason, always saying the logical thing….it was so annoying
“Am I going to be your Rebound or what?” Sosa asked and I could tell she had been dancing round that question for a while……me and her used to.….well indulge ourselves from time to time but just as friends, we fucked but as friends…..nothing else, it was why I had to stop talking to her for a bit, I had told Hakeem and he wasn’t comfortable with her around me so I had to give her a little space back then which ended up being a lot of space.
“No I have no intention of making you my rebound” I say as me and her engage in an intense staring contest
“why?” she asks
“why?” I ask back confused
“so you didn’t miss me then?” she fires back
“Sosa of course I missed you……”
“Then what is stopping you from Rebounding with me as the subject?” she asked and I laughed a bit because this was typical Sosa, so direct and straight to the point
“i missed you” I say without realizing
“i know,come here” she said
And that is how I failed in my celibacy journey dear diary, that is how I got ate out and had the soft warmth of Sosa’s breasts suffocate me among other things on the menu, things are finally feeling normal or rather feeling like before Hakeem and I was so grateful for that, as I lay in bed writing today’s entry I feel good,I am looking at Sosa fast asleep on my bed, I pick my phone up and block Hakeem yet again but this time I delete his contact, it feels like it is finally Time.
February 23, 2022
The Devil works hard but Fawaz Hakeem Oladele works harder, I take two steps forward and he is just waiting patiently to drag me three steps back, would you believe that Hakeem showed up to my house this fine Saturday morning? Do you know how taken aback I was to open the door and see a disheveled Hakeem standing outside and with a bouquet of Rose flowers, the Mixed emotions engulfed me and I could not process what to say, he let himself in and began to speak before I could say a word
“i know we said the last time we were ending things but Ada I am going insane without you…” he said and my heart instantly did a backflip because for some reason I loved hearing that, I had to chide myself into thinking straight
“you are a father and about to be married, please don’t do this..” I plead with him as if he is the one who holds the power here
“she’s not who I want, you know I am only with her because of my parents”
“and you made your choice Hakeem, you made your choice when you went ahead to pick her..” I finally find my words and they are laced with anger
“are you really going to let us go?” he asks me and I want to burst into a laugh, because he cannot be serious…..I let us go? Me? Not him who ditched so fast me like we didn’t have 2 years plus history together
“am I really going to let us go?” I repeat his question in awe and laugh hysterically
“It’s not funny Ada you have blocked me everywhere, you are going on dates with someone new…..”
“so you show up at my house to do what exactly?” I am fuming by this point, I am going on dates with someone else and so? Is that why he shows up at my door?
“i just wanted to see you….”
“you are getting married in less than a month, you shouldn’t be here” I say in a stern voice because I am over this back and forth, I just want him to leave because this is so unfair, I am trying so hard to move on, I do not need this, I do not need this at all
“you have no right to come over here anymore Hakeem we are broken up and frankly there is no way we can continue to see each other, I mean you are literally getting married in less than a month….”
“lets leave the country” he butts in
“what?” I asked taken aback
“you heard me, let’s leave, it’s not going to be hard you know I can sort out everything easily” he begins to ramble and I am seated on my couch now trying to process what he is saying. He was willing to leave the country for me? He was willing to just drop everything to be with me? Maybe I had this all wrong, maybe Hakeem didn’t want to life his parents were dictating for him, maybe he wanted me all along and was forced into a marriage we had no control over, maybe he is sick of it all and wants to go someplace where we can be together in peace, this unfortunately softens my demeanor at that point in time
“what are you saying right now Hakeem” I ask with my voice shaking becaused I want to be clear I am hearing correctly
“i am saying I want to leave this country with you and start afresh”
“what about your parents? And Hauwa? And the child?..what about…”
“it doesn’t matter and I am sick of pretending it does, it’s you I want not Hauwa, it’s you I want to spend the rest of my life with, my parents will take care of the child and it’s mother I do not think there is any need to worry about that..” he says and grabs my hand “let us worry about us, and our future together” he is staring into my eyes now and this is everything I have been waiting to hear so I am somewhat happy, scared to trust his word but desperately trying to
“you…you are serious?” I ask again, he smiles and draws close, we are about four inches apart now
“This is the most serious I have ever been in my life Ada” he says then he kisses me…………and I kiss him back, like I said two steps forward, three steps backwards.
We made love again till the early hours of noon before he had to leave, he asked that I unblocked him and said he would keep in touch and get to working on the moving plans with immediate effect, you should have seen me I was so elated and practically floating with joy as I arranged the bouquet of flowers in a water filled glass jar, I know this is not exactly my idea of moving on but while bother trying to find a whole new partner when the one I am still in love with wants me back?
February 26,2022.
Sosa came over today and saw my flowers,she asked who sent them and I had to lie that I am seeing someone new, I had to lie because she will not understand me getting back with Hakeem, she will judge me and scold me and I do not have the energy for that right now, besides I will let her know when the plans are halfway finalized, for now I want to keep it hush hush, as for Hakeem and I well he promised to find a way to delay His wedding until our plans were finalized, he says he has started the process and in three month we would be out of the country………together, it’s been a tough couple of months but things are finally falling into place. I feel it.
February 29,2022
I think I have been played for a fool yet again, in fact I am beginning to think that I am simply just one because there is no way these things keep happening to me….do you know that Hakeem got married today? I don’t even know what pushed me to check Hauwa’s Facebook this evening but I did and guess what? There was a full blown introduction party going on, I could not breathe for a minutes, I forgot how too, to say I was stunned was an understatement, what of our plans? What of his promise to delay the wedding? Why didn’t he give me a heads up? Is this why he hasn’t returned any of my texts since yesterday evening? I had thought he was busy with work and would reach out to me soon enough but my goodness all this while he was busy getting ready for his introduction
I stared at the matching asoebi him and Hauwa wore in the pictures, this is laughable because it begins to dawn on me that he has played me for a fool yet again, I suddenly began to feel feverish and my head is feeling light, tears are packed up in my eyes and I call Hakeem’s line….unreachable…..it is unreachable and I know this isn’t because of network, it is because I have been blocked, I do not know what do do anymore, I am staring at more pictures from the posts and stop at one where just Hakeem, Hauwa and the newborn are,his smile is so wide, this is not the smile of a man ready to leave and relocate to another country with another woman, on the contrary that is the smile of a man happily settling into Fatherhood and Marriage.
Now I am asking myself what I have done to Hakeem in this life, because the only explanation is that he hates me, it would explain so much, because what is the point with messing with me emotionally? Is this all fun and games for him? I was moving on just fine and he fucking came back, what is even my problem ? why am I so blinded by this man? Why do I allow myself to continuously be played by this man?
Today is far too much for me and I feel sick, I just want to sleep, I just want to not exist, I can’t do this alone yet again, I can’t go through another round of hurt all by myself so I call Sosa and start to cry and mumble my words together so much that I end up not making any sense at all but she gets that I am upset right now so she tells me she is out of town for work but will be back tomorrow morning and will stop by, so I have to wait through tonight all alone, with my thoughts….I knew this month was going to be shit, I knew it.
Damnnnnn 😭😭a fool at what??!!!